Teddy Towncrier's Web Oasis.

Apology to a Savannah Mugger.

Apology to a Savannah Mugger

This Ad Was Placed in the Personal column of a newspaper in Georgia

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I
hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend,
threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important
message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my
pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I
was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol
for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that
very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed
at your head wasn’t it?

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from
bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet
with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to
come help mug us again.

After I called your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your
cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and
filled up my gas tank as well as four other people’s in the gas station
on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons
and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Long’s Drugstore, along with
all the cash in your wallet. That made his day!

I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked
at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed
the entire driver’s side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. AT&T
just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little
over a day now, so what’s going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s
office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my
possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice
long chat – I guess while he traced your number etc.

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … but I feel
this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your
threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of
these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have
the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path
you’ve chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex



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RT @Teddytowncrier A Southern Gentleman’s apology to his mugger http://wp.me/PeqO3-tL

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